Unattuned mothering refers to a lack of emotional connection and responsiveness between a mother
and her children. This disconnect can have significant long-term consequences on children’s emotional
and psychological development.
Unattuned mothering often manifests as emotional distance or a lack of responsiveness to children’s
needs. You might notice that your children seem withdrawn, frustrated, or overly dependent on other
caregivers. This emotional disconnect can stem from various factors, including stress, exhaustion, and
the demands of a busy career. The impact of this disconnect is profound, leading to feelings of neglect
and insecurity in children and strained family dynamics. Recognizing the signs of unattuned mothering is
the first step toward making positive changes.
You might think that ‘unattuned mother’ is a condition that other people have, other mothers, not you.
But the truth of the matter is that many mothers may not realize how unattuned they have become
when life gets busy, and stress is high. I have noticed this myself, and you might recognize yourself when I
give you this example. You wake up in the morning, the children need to get up and get ready for school,
and you need to be ready for work. You are so focused on the process that the children’s needs become
less significant. Any working mother who thinks of their mornings might recognize this and not realize
how unattuned they have become to their children’s cues for attention and help. Very often, this leads
to a lot of oppositional behavior in the mornings, which may not be recognized as a problem of being
unattuned because life is so busy. This same situation may continue into the evenings when the
children’s evening activities, preparing the evening meal, getting homework done, and all the other busy
things in life get you to a point where you are no longer in tune with your children.
It is critical that you recognize the possibility that you have been unattuned, especially when your
children seem to have become oppositional and irritable.
The key lesson from addressing unattuned mothering is the importance of emotional attunement.
Research shows that children with emotionally attuned parents are more likely to develop healthy
emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, and stronger social skills. Emotional attunement involves
being aware of and responsive to your children’s emotional needs, creating a secure and supportive
environment. Practical strategies to improve emotional attunement include active listening, spending
quality one-on-one time with each child, and expressing empathy and understanding. These efforts can
lead to more meaningful connections and positive family dynamics.
In my book, RAISING TEENS TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, I
talk about this issue of when you notice that your teenager’s behavior has changed:
Take a moment to reflect on why your teen is no longer receptive to your guidance or unable to truly
hear you. If this change in dynamics is recent, it may be easier to identify the catalyst. However, if it has
been ongoing for a while, it requires significant effort on your part. Some big work will need to be done.
Correcting what you can and praying for things beyond your control are crucial during this process. It is
important to recognize that some aspects you believe to be unchangeable are actually within your
capacity to address.
Having witnessed this scenario all too frequently in my practice, I refuse to let any parent give up on this
critical aspect of parenting. Cultivating a strong relationship with your teen makes it much easier tonavigate the challenges of shaping them into the adults they will become. It is never too late to take action as long as they are under your care. Don’t be the obstacle that prevents your child from reaching their full potential and fulfilling their destiny.
Encourage your teens to share their thoughts and concerns, assuring them that their feelings are valid
and that they will always be loved. Once you have given this reassurance, give your teen time to gather
their thoughts and come back to you. I have found on many occasions that this is often not an opportune
time for you. Like, you are in the middle of a fantastic novel, reading during the first quiet moment you
have had all day. Or, you are on social media engaged in the goings on of the day.
Let me give you one of the most important things you will change in your relationship with your
teenager. If you are approached by your teenage child, with a concern that they are actually verbalizing,
stop everything that can possibly be stopped. I have been in the middle of cooking and turned off all the
burners, or asked them to stir something while we talk. Do not put them off or dismiss them because the
book, or social media is too interesting at that moment. You may not get another chance. Drop the book.
Children respond to an unattuned mother in two main ways. They act out, or they give up.
In an article written by Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child, these interactions
between a mother and her infant or young children are likened to what happens in a tennis match. A
direct quote from this article states:
Serve and return interactions shape brain architecture. When an infant or young child babbles, gestures,
or cries, and an adult responds appropriately with eye contact, words, or a hug, neural connections are
built and strengthened in the child’s brain that support the development of communication and social
skills. Much like a lively game of tennis, volleyball, or Ping-Pong, this back-and-forth is both fun and
capacity-building. When caregivers are sensitive and responsive to a young child’s signals and needs,
they provide an environment rich in serve and return experiences.Because responsive relationships are both expected and essential, their absence is a serious threat to a
child’s development and well-being. Healthy brain architecture depends on a sturdy foundation built by
appropriate input from a child’s senses and stable, responsive relationships with caring adults. If an
adult’s responses to a child are unreliable, inappropriate, or simply absent, the developing architecture
of the brain may be disrupted, and subsequent physical, mental, and emotional health may be impaired.
The persistent absence of serve and return interaction acts as a “double whammy” for healthy
development: not only does the brain not receive the positive stimulation it needs, but the body’s stress
response is activated, flooding the developing brain with potentially harmful stress hormones.
A baby cannot talk, so if they cry and are ignored, they eventually stop crying with their needs unmet. If
this process continues, unmet emotional needs greatly impact their ability to cope in adulthood.
A sense of helplessness and feelings that one’s needs are not important develops in these situations.
It is important to mention that, too often, unattuned mothering is due to mental illness or psychological
stress and needs to be addressed. When it is not recognized, children really struggle. There have been
volumes written about childhoods in the setting of a chronically unattuned mother. This is outside the
scope of this short blog. If you are reading it and recognize this pattern in yourself or in someone you
love, please get help.
Improving emotional attunement involves making intentional, manageable changes:
- Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your children when they speak.
- Spend quality one-on-one time with each child, engaging in activities they enjoy.
- Express empathy and understanding by acknowledging their feelings and experiences.
- Create routines that include regular check-ins and family bonding activities.
- Reflect on your level of emotional attunement regularly and make adjustments as needed.
- Pray about your mothering and team up with other mothers who would recognize when you are stressed and might be unattuned.
Unattuned mothering can have significant impacts on children and family dynamics, but for most
mothers, it is possible to overcome this disconnect through intentional efforts to improve emotional
attunement. By cutting the cycle of busy distraction, praying for strength where it seems absent, and
being present, joy and contentment often return.
